I have a story to tell...

I few weekends ago I had a life changing experience..

Fall Retreat was on September 11-13 and I attended that weekend with a major chip on my shoulder. I didn’t think I was going to get anything out of it so I went with that expectation.

Friday night, Daniel Corpening led the sermon. He talked about Christian stereotypes, and how we are most often looked at as hypocrites for not being able to forgive and see past the sins of others. He asked us to each think of a person who had been horrible to us and try to forgive them. I thought of Jeremy, and forgiveness, immediately, wasn’t an option. We began singing, several of the songs being my favorites. But I was not feeling a thing, I cried out “God, where are you??” I didn’t hear an answer. By that point, I lost it. I ran out feeling overwhelmed and alone. I fell down once outside and began hysterically crying.

I looked up at the moon, it was full, I thought of my grandmother and the night she fell looking at the moon. I felt like her lying there alone and in pain.

Suddenly the door to the Conference Center creaked open, Jordan King stepped out. He saw me. “Elizabeth…?” I sat there vulnerable and naked in front of him and told him (in between quick breathes) what was wrong. He stood me up and walked me to the chapel. There, we sat face to face and I told him everything. I told him the gory details of the rape and the multiple rapes after. I told him about getting HPV, and telling Emily, and having Emily seek out Jeremy romantically in response. I told him how I was pissed off. I told him how alone I felt in my own skin, how alone I felt with Kyle, how alone I felt at the Foundation, how empty my heart felt now that I felt broken and tainted.

Jordan wrote this all down.

He walked me outside and picked up a handful of stones. We sat in the road and began praying. First, as hard as it was we prayed for Jeremy. I took all of my strength to say nice things about that animal. I prayed that he be happy one day, and that he be fulfilled, and feel confident, and not need to take out his lack of self-confidence on other people, especially women. I then prayed for Emily, and then for Jeremy’s family, and then for Kyle.

Then he handed me the stones. We assigned each stone an emotion and one by one I threw them. I threw them with passion and force. I threw them so hard that I thought my arm was going to come out of socket. I wanted them to go away, I wanted to be set free!!!

I kept saying to myself over and over “I’m good enough” and “He did not break me.” Then I fell down again and I looked up at the moon and instead of feeling alone I felt at peace. My heart felt still. I hope this is a feeling that continues. So far its been difficult.

Kyle and I are taking a break.
Since I was diagnosed I haven’t been myself. I’ve been more concerned with making things up to him rather than just being with him. I’ve felt guilty since. I’ve felt broken and unworthy of being with him. I’ve been purposefully distracting myself from our relationship since. When I am with Kyle, mentally, I am not actually with him. I am unfocussed and more concerned with things I know I can be perfect in: my eating, my grades, my cleanliness, etc. Since I constantly feel defeated when I am with him, I don’t want to be with him.
For a change, I need to find myself. I need to be happy with myself so that I can be happy in our relationship.

The things is, since we’ve been on our break I’ve really missed him. We talk more now. I want to spend time with him. There’s no pressure. And I “want” him. Its refreshing and confusing.

I leave you with lyrics from a song from Fall Retreat…
“Sin has left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.”

Ain't that the truth

Shout out to Emily and Jeremy from Post Secret. I didn't send it in but its nice to know that someone else knows what this feels like.

I hate this poster. It reads "Date Rape 1 in 4 women will become victims of rape. 84% of them will know their assailant. THINK AGAIN" Its a very informative poster until you get to the THINK AGAIN. That part of the poster almost seems to be pointing the finger at the victim. Like the woman could do something to protect herself. If only that was easy. Date Rape is painted as naive girls that put their drinks down at parties and are slipped a roofie. Date Rape is more than that. Date Rape is also knowing your rapist and being completely aware and taken control of and being disregarded and having someone you know and maybe someone that you care about using your body as if its a piece of meat. That's what happened to me. I'm sick of feeling like its my fault. http://www.thisisby.us/index.php/content/date_rape

THS Investigates

I watch crime shows nonstop.

Today, I've watched two episodes of THS: Investigates (Dating Nightmares and Women Who Kill). The TV just said "Women who suffer abuse are more likely to become violent." "One out of four women is the victim of a traumatic assault done by the spouse."
Tonight, I will probably watch Law and Order: SVU. I also like A&E reality shows like the First 48, Forensic Files, etc.

I had therapy today.

We talked about my dream. I keep thinking about in the dream how it felt to hit Jeremy. It wasn't satisfying. But I guess being violent towards him wouldn't be satisfying. I want Jeremy to suffer some type of permanent damage. I just hope karma comes around. In five years I hope I am on top of the world and he is on the very bottom. I also hope that I will no longer dwell on Jeremy and what has happened to me.

Sometimes I wonder if I like these shows because I can relate especially Dating Nightmares. Am I a Special Victim?

Spirituality

I just got off the phone with Reynolds. I am so proud of her because she as at camp and she was telling me about how she's grown deeply spiritually in the wake of her first heartbreak. I wish I was as strong as she was. Robin asked me to help lead the Women's Small Group in the fall and I can't bring myself to say yes. After all I've been through and entering into therapy, that I was hoping would make me stronger, I still don't feel anything. Maybe its because I am out of practice but I'm not making an effort to read my Bible or to talk about God. I don't feel motivated to go to church or Wednesday night services. I don't want to fake feeling better but I don't want to show my struggles either. I just want to feel something. I don't feel like I'm being punished or anything but I do feel somewhat abandoned. I know that I am turning my back on God. But I can't figure out how to turn around.

Dream

Okay, so I had this completely random and out there dream, but the more I think about it, I consider it to be a flashback. Its the biggest flashback.

I'm sitting in like a living room. I'm there with friends from the Wesley Foundation, mutual friends of Jeremy and I. Its present time except there is no Kyle. What is different is that I have told everyone what happens. I haven't hold back anymore. They all know but they didn't flip out like I thought they would. They didn't choose sides and they really aren't showing any emotion. We are in some kind of academic competition and we are waiting for our time to go and compete and for the rest of the team to show up. Jeremy is on the team and I say outloud how much I am dreading him coming, I don't want to have to spend time with him. Someone puts their arm around me and says it will be okay.

Jeremy walks in and I get very quiet. He walks in and doesn't look my way, doesn't acknowledge my existence or once importance in his life. I am not surprised by this. Everyone starts to get excited because the whole team is now here and we are talking about our chances of winning, which are good. JB starts talking about his famous victory dance forever immortalized in the Wesley Foundation Introduction video. I say, I can't remember exactly what it looks like, I'm going to have to go back and watch the video again. Then Jeremy locks his arms around me and whispers in my ear, you only watch that video to make sure you don't look fat. The whole room goes quiet, I whip around and slap him as hard as I can. He has a look of shock on his face, his eyes grow with passion as he insists that he didn't mean it like that. I punch him in the nose and runaway.

Jeremy follows me out as does the rest of the team, I stop on the street corner where I am confronted by Jeremy. He asks what the hell is wrong with me and I say as if you don't know. He says I'm crazy as Bradley (our mutual friend) begins walking towards us. Jeremy insists that Bradley will back him up. Bradley motions to me asking if I am okay. I say yes realizing that it is time to go to the competition I say I am going to walk this way and meet them there. Bradley says okay. I look Jeremy dead in the face and say they all know what you did.

I turn and begin to walk away as Jeremy follows. He grabs my wrist in front of a restaurant and says, I don't understand what your problem is, what did the condom break or something? I quickly snap back, CONDOM? There was no condom that's how I ended up with HPV. I enter the restaurant which is kind of like a Waffle House. I pick the table in the back and Jeremy sits down across from me. I look at him and say "You have ruined my life." He tells me to stop being dramatic. Sitting infront of him I relive the entire experience of him raping me aloud infront of him. I tell him about how I screamed no and how he disregarded my words and how his eyes became blank and emotionless. I remind him about how he screamed at me to stop crying and how all I can remember is looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else.

I am pure and vulnerable in that moment and he looks at me with no emotion and just says, "Whatever you were no fun anyway. I am getting mine now. I please myself every weekend and Emily takes care of the nights in between." I pick up my coffee and throw it in his face.

Now, I am at the competition. I am standing in front of the table where my team is taking in some last minute notes. I look down at my notecards and I am so flustered that I cannot even recognize the words in front of me. I start having a panic attack. My coach who I think is one of my managers at Gap walks up and I just tell her I can't do this. She hands me a different stack of notes and says try these. She says that Chandler (one of my coworkers at Gap) will handle my notes when she gets here. There is one notecard, just one, that I have to memorize. I try to focus on the notecard and the words look like scribble. I cannot figure out what it says and now its time to start the competition. The notecard is infront of me and I panic because I know my question is going to come up soon and I am going to let everyone down. And we will loose because of me.

It is then that I wake up. It wasn't a groggy wake up, I was fully awake and almost panicking. I look beside me and Kyle is there asleep, his back facing me. I slide next to him and he rolls over putting his arm around me and I let my head lie on his chest. He sleepily says something that I cannot make out but its reassuring. I let my head sink into his chest and I hear his heartbeat and I fall back asleep.

Rude Neighbors

So tonight, I was taking my dog on his nightly walk and I was walking down the road letting him sway this way and that way. He then stopped in my neighbors yard (nothing out of the ordinary) so I figured he was going to use the bathroom. Well my neighbors dog started barking so I headed into their yard to scoop up Dexter. Of course, that is when my neighbor walks out of his house, stomps up to me, and says "its not like you don't have plenty of grass to walk your dog in your own yard." Naturally, I was offended because he took the confrontation to a completely disrespectful level. This neighbor has never made an effort to say hello and exchange a friendly gesture. And to think, I was even thinking about taking over a bottle of wine to congratulate him and his new wife on their matrimony. What really upset me about this confrontation is that they never keep their dogs in a pen or chained up. Their dogs are just free to wander, even if this leads them directly onto my back porch barking at my dog as he is minding his own business. God forbid, I let Dexter walk down the street.

I know that this is completely out of the ordinary from my usual posts but I am strangely really upset about the rudeness of a man I've barely met.