This is my chance to start a journal. My therapist thinks it would good and this is much more convient than having a hand written journal. Why am I in therapy?
Well, first let me start out by explaining three significant men in my life.
Tyler
Tyler was my high school sweetheart. We dated for two and half years and I'm not going to lie, I think about him often. It has been months since I've seen him and years since we have been committed to one another. In fact, at this point in our lives we are both dating other people. I like to think that he is pretending to be happy dating a Barbie look-a-like model (not his style) and that he secretly thinks about me as often as I think about him. When I was with Tyler I was completely faithful, I gave my heart sincerely to him and I think that is why it is so easy to think about him. Even though Tyler was not true, to me the thought of him is a place of security, a safe haven. Even though actually dating Tyler was anything but secure. Tyler did a lot of drugs, was neglectful, and had an awful temper, but he was some how mysteriously comforting. Things with Tyler weren't easy but then again they were because in some strange way we fit together. We were both sad, self-critical, but completely in love.
Jeremy
When I came to college in the fall of 2006 my grandmother (who I am deeply close with) fell and broke her hip (her second fall in a year) while going outside to look at the moon (something that we share together). I took this fall very personally and it was a blow to my spirits and almost became the deciding factor of my dropping out of college to return home. In my darkest and saddest moment Jeremy swooped in and saved the day. Jeremy was the first man to give me a second look in college. I look at it now and Jeremy wasn't even my type. He was short, stocky, not very smart, and a redneck. My type is definitely tall, skinny, brillant, and an individual. Jeremy is really good at saying exactly what someone needs to hear to feel better. So you can imagine that at the time of my grandmother's fall he was an angel. He said all the right things, lifted up my spirits, made me feel beautiful, and ultimately took complete advantage of my vulnerabilty.
Jeremy raped me.
Everytime I inform someone of this a sigh of relief passes through my body (hint: why I am in therapy). Not only did Jeremy rape me but he used my body as an object for his sexual pleasure for months and months. Those ten months of my life were the most painful I have ever experienced. Finally I was sick of pain and being insecure and being a victim and I used summer break as an opportunity to get away from Jeremy and finally end it. When I said I didn't want to be with him anymore, no one would listen. To everyone else Jeremy was the perfect guy, my potential husband. For the longest time all I've wanted to scream was that he raped me, that I am not the bad guy. Jeremy played the pitiful part, the hurt dumped boyfriend to try and turn my friend away from me. So many of them would fuss at me for being immature but if only they knew the truth. In fact, one of the first girls I told actually started dating him, stabbing me in the back, making it hard to tell people the truth about what happened. Now, I am just ready to move on.
Kyle
Kyle is my current boyfriend and is perfect. I wish there was another way to describe him that didn't sound so desperate but he is. He has been there for me when there was no one. He has listened to me, been a shoulder for me to cry on, not pressured me for anything, and has been a mature and sincere companion. I am thankful for him and his truthfulness. I am so afraid to mess things up with my sadness, or eventually, I will not be enough for him. I am broken. I am self-critical and am very uncomfortable in my own skin. What if he wants perfection, something I can't give to him. What if he wants something strong, something I am not. What if I am not good enough.
But then again I feel like that is the story of my life..not feeling good enough. Tyler took my heart for the first time, Jeremy took my innocence, and now I want to give Kyle everything I have. But I do not think I'm strong enough for that yet.
