Monday, June 30, 2008
Spirituality
I just got off the phone with Reynolds. I am so proud of her because she as at camp and she was telling me about how she's grown deeply spiritually in the wake of her first heartbreak. I wish I was as strong as she was. Robin asked me to help lead the Women's Small Group in the fall and I can't bring myself to say yes. After all I've been through and entering into therapy, that I was hoping would make me stronger, I still don't feel anything. Maybe its because I am out of practice but I'm not making an effort to read my Bible or to talk about God. I don't feel motivated to go to church or Wednesday night services. I don't want to fake feeling better but I don't want to show my struggles either. I just want to feel something. I don't feel like I'm being punished or anything but I do feel somewhat abandoned. I know that I am turning my back on God. But I can't figure out how to turn around.
Dream
Okay, so I had this completely random and out there dream, but the more I think about it, I consider it to be a flashback. Its the biggest flashback.
I'm sitting in like a living room. I'm there with friends from the Wesley Foundation, mutual friends of Jeremy and I. Its present time except there is no Kyle. What is different is that I have told everyone what happens. I haven't hold back anymore. They all know but they didn't flip out like I thought they would. They didn't choose sides and they really aren't showing any emotion. We are in some kind of academic competition and we are waiting for our time to go and compete and for the rest of the team to show up. Jeremy is on the team and I say outloud how much I am dreading him coming, I don't want to have to spend time with him. Someone puts their arm around me and says it will be okay.
Jeremy walks in and I get very quiet. He walks in and doesn't look my way, doesn't acknowledge my existence or once importance in his life. I am not surprised by this. Everyone starts to get excited because the whole team is now here and we are talking about our chances of winning, which are good. JB starts talking about his famous victory dance forever immortalized in the Wesley Foundation Introduction video. I say, I can't remember exactly what it looks like, I'm going to have to go back and watch the video again. Then Jeremy locks his arms around me and whispers in my ear, you only watch that video to make sure you don't look fat. The whole room goes quiet, I whip around and slap him as hard as I can. He has a look of shock on his face, his eyes grow with passion as he insists that he didn't mean it like that. I punch him in the nose and runaway.
Jeremy follows me out as does the rest of the team, I stop on the street corner where I am confronted by Jeremy. He asks what the hell is wrong with me and I say as if you don't know. He says I'm crazy as Bradley (our mutual friend) begins walking towards us. Jeremy insists that Bradley will back him up. Bradley motions to me asking if I am okay. I say yes realizing that it is time to go to the competition I say I am going to walk this way and meet them there. Bradley says okay. I look Jeremy dead in the face and say they all know what you did.
I turn and begin to walk away as Jeremy follows. He grabs my wrist in front of a restaurant and says, I don't understand what your problem is, what did the condom break or something? I quickly snap back, CONDOM? There was no condom that's how I ended up with HPV. I enter the restaurant which is kind of like a Waffle House. I pick the table in the back and Jeremy sits down across from me. I look at him and say "You have ruined my life." He tells me to stop being dramatic. Sitting infront of him I relive the entire experience of him raping me aloud infront of him. I tell him about how I screamed no and how he disregarded my words and how his eyes became blank and emotionless. I remind him about how he screamed at me to stop crying and how all I can remember is looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else.
I am pure and vulnerable in that moment and he looks at me with no emotion and just says, "Whatever you were no fun anyway. I am getting mine now. I please myself every weekend and Emily takes care of the nights in between." I pick up my coffee and throw it in his face.
Now, I am at the competition. I am standing in front of the table where my team is taking in some last minute notes. I look down at my notecards and I am so flustered that I cannot even recognize the words in front of me. I start having a panic attack. My coach who I think is one of my managers at Gap walks up and I just tell her I can't do this. She hands me a different stack of notes and says try these. She says that Chandler (one of my coworkers at Gap) will handle my notes when she gets here. There is one notecard, just one, that I have to memorize. I try to focus on the notecard and the words look like scribble. I cannot figure out what it says and now its time to start the competition. The notecard is infront of me and I panic because I know my question is going to come up soon and I am going to let everyone down. And we will loose because of me.
It is then that I wake up. It wasn't a groggy wake up, I was fully awake and almost panicking. I look beside me and Kyle is there asleep, his back facing me. I slide next to him and he rolls over putting his arm around me and I let my head lie on his chest. He sleepily says something that I cannot make out but its reassuring. I let my head sink into his chest and I hear his heartbeat and I fall back asleep.
I'm sitting in like a living room. I'm there with friends from the Wesley Foundation, mutual friends of Jeremy and I. Its present time except there is no Kyle. What is different is that I have told everyone what happens. I haven't hold back anymore. They all know but they didn't flip out like I thought they would. They didn't choose sides and they really aren't showing any emotion. We are in some kind of academic competition and we are waiting for our time to go and compete and for the rest of the team to show up. Jeremy is on the team and I say outloud how much I am dreading him coming, I don't want to have to spend time with him. Someone puts their arm around me and says it will be okay.
Jeremy walks in and I get very quiet. He walks in and doesn't look my way, doesn't acknowledge my existence or once importance in his life. I am not surprised by this. Everyone starts to get excited because the whole team is now here and we are talking about our chances of winning, which are good. JB starts talking about his famous victory dance forever immortalized in the Wesley Foundation Introduction video. I say, I can't remember exactly what it looks like, I'm going to have to go back and watch the video again. Then Jeremy locks his arms around me and whispers in my ear, you only watch that video to make sure you don't look fat. The whole room goes quiet, I whip around and slap him as hard as I can. He has a look of shock on his face, his eyes grow with passion as he insists that he didn't mean it like that. I punch him in the nose and runaway.
Jeremy follows me out as does the rest of the team, I stop on the street corner where I am confronted by Jeremy. He asks what the hell is wrong with me and I say as if you don't know. He says I'm crazy as Bradley (our mutual friend) begins walking towards us. Jeremy insists that Bradley will back him up. Bradley motions to me asking if I am okay. I say yes realizing that it is time to go to the competition I say I am going to walk this way and meet them there. Bradley says okay. I look Jeremy dead in the face and say they all know what you did.
I turn and begin to walk away as Jeremy follows. He grabs my wrist in front of a restaurant and says, I don't understand what your problem is, what did the condom break or something? I quickly snap back, CONDOM? There was no condom that's how I ended up with HPV. I enter the restaurant which is kind of like a Waffle House. I pick the table in the back and Jeremy sits down across from me. I look at him and say "You have ruined my life." He tells me to stop being dramatic. Sitting infront of him I relive the entire experience of him raping me aloud infront of him. I tell him about how I screamed no and how he disregarded my words and how his eyes became blank and emotionless. I remind him about how he screamed at me to stop crying and how all I can remember is looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else.
I am pure and vulnerable in that moment and he looks at me with no emotion and just says, "Whatever you were no fun anyway. I am getting mine now. I please myself every weekend and Emily takes care of the nights in between." I pick up my coffee and throw it in his face.
Now, I am at the competition. I am standing in front of the table where my team is taking in some last minute notes. I look down at my notecards and I am so flustered that I cannot even recognize the words in front of me. I start having a panic attack. My coach who I think is one of my managers at Gap walks up and I just tell her I can't do this. She hands me a different stack of notes and says try these. She says that Chandler (one of my coworkers at Gap) will handle my notes when she gets here. There is one notecard, just one, that I have to memorize. I try to focus on the notecard and the words look like scribble. I cannot figure out what it says and now its time to start the competition. The notecard is infront of me and I panic because I know my question is going to come up soon and I am going to let everyone down. And we will loose because of me.
It is then that I wake up. It wasn't a groggy wake up, I was fully awake and almost panicking. I look beside me and Kyle is there asleep, his back facing me. I slide next to him and he rolls over putting his arm around me and I let my head lie on his chest. He sleepily says something that I cannot make out but its reassuring. I let my head sink into his chest and I hear his heartbeat and I fall back asleep.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Rude Neighbors
So tonight, I was taking my dog on his nightly walk and I was walking down the road letting him sway this way and that way. He then stopped in my neighbors yard (nothing out of the ordinary) so I figured he was going to use the bathroom. Well my neighbors dog started barking so I headed into their yard to scoop up Dexter. Of course, that is when my neighbor walks out of his house, stomps up to me, and says "its not like you don't have plenty of grass to walk your dog in your own yard." Naturally, I was offended because he took the confrontation to a completely disrespectful level. This neighbor has never made an effort to say hello and exchange a friendly gesture. And to think, I was even thinking about taking over a bottle of wine to congratulate him and his new wife on their matrimony. What really upset me about this confrontation is that they never keep their dogs in a pen or chained up. Their dogs are just free to wander, even if this leads them directly onto my back porch barking at my dog as he is minding his own business. God forbid, I let Dexter walk down the street.
I know that this is completely out of the ordinary from my usual posts but I am strangely really upset about the rudeness of a man I've barely met.
I know that this is completely out of the ordinary from my usual posts but I am strangely really upset about the rudeness of a man I've barely met.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
I am not myself anymore.
I look in the mirror and I do not recognize the person I see.
Kyle touches me and my body has become so insensitive to intimacy that I do not feel a thing.
I am numb.
I haven’t truly laughed in a long time, why should I, it’s much more easier to cry.
I am pushing and pushing and screaming and screaming and no one moves or no one turns around to see what all the fuss is about. They just keep walking. I want to be heard.
Mom, you need to take some responsibility for my eating disorder. After all, it is you who have plugged weight, calories, and cholesterol into my brain since I was seven. God forbid your thin child put on a pound. You can’t lose your weight so you want me to be pencil thin. I cannot put on some college weight without it being pointed out the second I go home.
Kyle, I am pushing you away. I do not know why but I am looking for any excuse for you to leave me. Yes, I’m interested in other guys, but not the way I am interested in you. I don’t trust you and you’ve given me no reason to. Can’t you just leave and make this easier on the both of us? I do not deserve you, I am too much work, I am too broken, and I cannot be fixed. I don’t want to hurt you but it almost feels inevitable. I may be bored but I am so unhappy with myself right now that I cannot feel anything anymore. I cannot feel desire; I am not strong enough to hold you when you need to lean on me. I cannot reassure you anymore.
I just want to ball into a ball and let the world pass me by.
Forget.
Well it's getting colder and you're getting distant
and I just keep thinkin
that I never meant it to be like this(to be like this)
You know what comes next(so do I)
You’re begging for a way to gracefully bow out
and say goodnight
It's worse than you think
On your way home, you should have known
you never listen to me
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie
I can’t say I blame you
but I wish that I could
I’m sick of writing every song about you
Don't call my name out your window, I'm leaving
I look in the mirror and I do not recognize the person I see.
Kyle touches me and my body has become so insensitive to intimacy that I do not feel a thing.
I am numb.
I haven’t truly laughed in a long time, why should I, it’s much more easier to cry.
I am pushing and pushing and screaming and screaming and no one moves or no one turns around to see what all the fuss is about. They just keep walking. I want to be heard.
Mom, you need to take some responsibility for my eating disorder. After all, it is you who have plugged weight, calories, and cholesterol into my brain since I was seven. God forbid your thin child put on a pound. You can’t lose your weight so you want me to be pencil thin. I cannot put on some college weight without it being pointed out the second I go home.
Kyle, I am pushing you away. I do not know why but I am looking for any excuse for you to leave me. Yes, I’m interested in other guys, but not the way I am interested in you. I don’t trust you and you’ve given me no reason to. Can’t you just leave and make this easier on the both of us? I do not deserve you, I am too much work, I am too broken, and I cannot be fixed. I don’t want to hurt you but it almost feels inevitable. I may be bored but I am so unhappy with myself right now that I cannot feel anything anymore. I cannot feel desire; I am not strong enough to hold you when you need to lean on me. I cannot reassure you anymore.
I just want to ball into a ball and let the world pass me by.
Forget.
Well it's getting colder and you're getting distant
and I just keep thinkin
that I never meant it to be like this(to be like this)
You know what comes next(so do I)
You’re begging for a way to gracefully bow out
and say goodnight
It's worse than you think
On your way home, you should have known
you never listen to me
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie
I can’t say I blame you
but I wish that I could
I’m sick of writing every song about you
Don't call my name out your window, I'm leaving
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Perfectionism
Perfectionist: A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.
That definition describes me to the T. I strive to be perfect in everything I do. I make the perfect grades. I'm pressure myself to make the perfect grades to the point where I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I really wish I was kidding. I am entering into my junior year in college and I have a 3.93 GPA. It's gotten to the point where my mom asks me to make a C just so I won't feel like I have to be perfect.
I have the perfect relationship, or I try to have the perfect relationship with Kyle. Sometimes I just feel like something isn't there. My friend Katie and I were talking about long term relationships. We both have been dating the same guys for quite some time now and you come to a point where it hits you, you will no longer have a passionate, yet awkward first kiss. There will be a point where that person just won't give you the butterflies anymore. So much of the excitement is gone because now, you just know that person. I know what makes Kyle tick, I know what turns him on, I know his smiles, his smell, and his thoughts. Its easy to miss the newness. And missing that newness makes it so easy for my eyes to wander. Realizing this, and thinking that I could potentially cause great pain to a wonderful man in my life breaks my heart. I hate feeling like this.
But the things that I stress about the most. That I push myself about the most is my body. I hate the way I look in a mirror. In high school a girlfriend and I jumped on the scales just to be fun and I was shocked to see that she weighed more than I did. Shocked isn't even the word, more like mortified, embarrassed. I knew right then that this had to stop. I stopped eating fast food, I stopped eating chocolate, I stopped eating, period. I loved the feeling of being hungry because then I knew I was losing weight. I would workout to the point where I felt dizzy just so that I would be certain I would be sore the next day. If I was sore I knew it was beneficial. So I worked and worked and I lost twenty pounds putting me at 103. But I still wasn't satisfied, I wanted my waist to be thinner, my stomach flatter, but my body couldn't take it anymore. I stayed at this weight for a year and then I left for college and was put on anxiety medicine which made me blow up. Not huge, but to me I'm am so uncomfortable that it is sometimes hard to concentrate. I plan my meals out way ahead of time just to make sure I'm not consuming too many calories. If I don't go to the gym I feel completely guilty and I obsess about my laziness.
I am so afraid that this is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I have even thought ahead, planned that I don't want to have kids because I don't want to worry about having to lose baby weight. I dread the future, and I dread looking in the mirror. I'm sick of trying to be perfect.
That definition describes me to the T. I strive to be perfect in everything I do. I make the perfect grades. I'm pressure myself to make the perfect grades to the point where I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I really wish I was kidding. I am entering into my junior year in college and I have a 3.93 GPA. It's gotten to the point where my mom asks me to make a C just so I won't feel like I have to be perfect.
I have the perfect relationship, or I try to have the perfect relationship with Kyle. Sometimes I just feel like something isn't there. My friend Katie and I were talking about long term relationships. We both have been dating the same guys for quite some time now and you come to a point where it hits you, you will no longer have a passionate, yet awkward first kiss. There will be a point where that person just won't give you the butterflies anymore. So much of the excitement is gone because now, you just know that person. I know what makes Kyle tick, I know what turns him on, I know his smiles, his smell, and his thoughts. Its easy to miss the newness. And missing that newness makes it so easy for my eyes to wander. Realizing this, and thinking that I could potentially cause great pain to a wonderful man in my life breaks my heart. I hate feeling like this.
But the things that I stress about the most. That I push myself about the most is my body. I hate the way I look in a mirror. In high school a girlfriend and I jumped on the scales just to be fun and I was shocked to see that she weighed more than I did. Shocked isn't even the word, more like mortified, embarrassed. I knew right then that this had to stop. I stopped eating fast food, I stopped eating chocolate, I stopped eating, period. I loved the feeling of being hungry because then I knew I was losing weight. I would workout to the point where I felt dizzy just so that I would be certain I would be sore the next day. If I was sore I knew it was beneficial. So I worked and worked and I lost twenty pounds putting me at 103. But I still wasn't satisfied, I wanted my waist to be thinner, my stomach flatter, but my body couldn't take it anymore. I stayed at this weight for a year and then I left for college and was put on anxiety medicine which made me blow up. Not huge, but to me I'm am so uncomfortable that it is sometimes hard to concentrate. I plan my meals out way ahead of time just to make sure I'm not consuming too many calories. If I don't go to the gym I feel completely guilty and I obsess about my laziness.
I am so afraid that this is something I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I have even thought ahead, planned that I don't want to have kids because I don't want to worry about having to lose baby weight. I dread the future, and I dread looking in the mirror. I'm sick of trying to be perfect.
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