Dream

Okay, so I had this completely random and out there dream, but the more I think about it, I consider it to be a flashback. Its the biggest flashback.

I'm sitting in like a living room. I'm there with friends from the Wesley Foundation, mutual friends of Jeremy and I. Its present time except there is no Kyle. What is different is that I have told everyone what happens. I haven't hold back anymore. They all know but they didn't flip out like I thought they would. They didn't choose sides and they really aren't showing any emotion. We are in some kind of academic competition and we are waiting for our time to go and compete and for the rest of the team to show up. Jeremy is on the team and I say outloud how much I am dreading him coming, I don't want to have to spend time with him. Someone puts their arm around me and says it will be okay.

Jeremy walks in and I get very quiet. He walks in and doesn't look my way, doesn't acknowledge my existence or once importance in his life. I am not surprised by this. Everyone starts to get excited because the whole team is now here and we are talking about our chances of winning, which are good. JB starts talking about his famous victory dance forever immortalized in the Wesley Foundation Introduction video. I say, I can't remember exactly what it looks like, I'm going to have to go back and watch the video again. Then Jeremy locks his arms around me and whispers in my ear, you only watch that video to make sure you don't look fat. The whole room goes quiet, I whip around and slap him as hard as I can. He has a look of shock on his face, his eyes grow with passion as he insists that he didn't mean it like that. I punch him in the nose and runaway.

Jeremy follows me out as does the rest of the team, I stop on the street corner where I am confronted by Jeremy. He asks what the hell is wrong with me and I say as if you don't know. He says I'm crazy as Bradley (our mutual friend) begins walking towards us. Jeremy insists that Bradley will back him up. Bradley motions to me asking if I am okay. I say yes realizing that it is time to go to the competition I say I am going to walk this way and meet them there. Bradley says okay. I look Jeremy dead in the face and say they all know what you did.

I turn and begin to walk away as Jeremy follows. He grabs my wrist in front of a restaurant and says, I don't understand what your problem is, what did the condom break or something? I quickly snap back, CONDOM? There was no condom that's how I ended up with HPV. I enter the restaurant which is kind of like a Waffle House. I pick the table in the back and Jeremy sits down across from me. I look at him and say "You have ruined my life." He tells me to stop being dramatic. Sitting infront of him I relive the entire experience of him raping me aloud infront of him. I tell him about how I screamed no and how he disregarded my words and how his eyes became blank and emotionless. I remind him about how he screamed at me to stop crying and how all I can remember is looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else.

I am pure and vulnerable in that moment and he looks at me with no emotion and just says, "Whatever you were no fun anyway. I am getting mine now. I please myself every weekend and Emily takes care of the nights in between." I pick up my coffee and throw it in his face.

Now, I am at the competition. I am standing in front of the table where my team is taking in some last minute notes. I look down at my notecards and I am so flustered that I cannot even recognize the words in front of me. I start having a panic attack. My coach who I think is one of my managers at Gap walks up and I just tell her I can't do this. She hands me a different stack of notes and says try these. She says that Chandler (one of my coworkers at Gap) will handle my notes when she gets here. There is one notecard, just one, that I have to memorize. I try to focus on the notecard and the words look like scribble. I cannot figure out what it says and now its time to start the competition. The notecard is infront of me and I panic because I know my question is going to come up soon and I am going to let everyone down. And we will loose because of me.

It is then that I wake up. It wasn't a groggy wake up, I was fully awake and almost panicking. I look beside me and Kyle is there asleep, his back facing me. I slide next to him and he rolls over putting his arm around me and I let my head lie on his chest. He sleepily says something that I cannot make out but its reassuring. I let my head sink into his chest and I hear his heartbeat and I fall back asleep.