I have a story to tell...

I few weekends ago I had a life changing experience..

Fall Retreat was on September 11-13 and I attended that weekend with a major chip on my shoulder. I didn’t think I was going to get anything out of it so I went with that expectation.

Friday night, Daniel Corpening led the sermon. He talked about Christian stereotypes, and how we are most often looked at as hypocrites for not being able to forgive and see past the sins of others. He asked us to each think of a person who had been horrible to us and try to forgive them. I thought of Jeremy, and forgiveness, immediately, wasn’t an option. We began singing, several of the songs being my favorites. But I was not feeling a thing, I cried out “God, where are you??” I didn’t hear an answer. By that point, I lost it. I ran out feeling overwhelmed and alone. I fell down once outside and began hysterically crying.

I looked up at the moon, it was full, I thought of my grandmother and the night she fell looking at the moon. I felt like her lying there alone and in pain.

Suddenly the door to the Conference Center creaked open, Jordan King stepped out. He saw me. “Elizabeth…?” I sat there vulnerable and naked in front of him and told him (in between quick breathes) what was wrong. He stood me up and walked me to the chapel. There, we sat face to face and I told him everything. I told him the gory details of the rape and the multiple rapes after. I told him about getting HPV, and telling Emily, and having Emily seek out Jeremy romantically in response. I told him how I was pissed off. I told him how alone I felt in my own skin, how alone I felt with Kyle, how alone I felt at the Foundation, how empty my heart felt now that I felt broken and tainted.

Jordan wrote this all down.

He walked me outside and picked up a handful of stones. We sat in the road and began praying. First, as hard as it was we prayed for Jeremy. I took all of my strength to say nice things about that animal. I prayed that he be happy one day, and that he be fulfilled, and feel confident, and not need to take out his lack of self-confidence on other people, especially women. I then prayed for Emily, and then for Jeremy’s family, and then for Kyle.

Then he handed me the stones. We assigned each stone an emotion and one by one I threw them. I threw them with passion and force. I threw them so hard that I thought my arm was going to come out of socket. I wanted them to go away, I wanted to be set free!!!

I kept saying to myself over and over “I’m good enough” and “He did not break me.” Then I fell down again and I looked up at the moon and instead of feeling alone I felt at peace. My heart felt still. I hope this is a feeling that continues. So far its been difficult.

Kyle and I are taking a break.
Since I was diagnosed I haven’t been myself. I’ve been more concerned with making things up to him rather than just being with him. I’ve felt guilty since. I’ve felt broken and unworthy of being with him. I’ve been purposefully distracting myself from our relationship since. When I am with Kyle, mentally, I am not actually with him. I am unfocussed and more concerned with things I know I can be perfect in: my eating, my grades, my cleanliness, etc. Since I constantly feel defeated when I am with him, I don’t want to be with him.
For a change, I need to find myself. I need to be happy with myself so that I can be happy in our relationship.

The things is, since we’ve been on our break I’ve really missed him. We talk more now. I want to spend time with him. There’s no pressure. And I “want” him. Its refreshing and confusing.

I leave you with lyrics from a song from Fall Retreat…
“Sin has left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow.”